During the COVID-19 pandemic, one family took advantage of low cruise ship prices and booked a trip. Their journey became challenging when one of the ship’s propeller motors failed, resulting in slower travel and canceled port stops. While some passengers were upset about their disrupted vacations, this family felt differently.
Their perspective was shaped by an earlier incident on their way to the port. A flat tire on their rental car, combined with the absence of a spare tire, nearly caused them to miss boarding altogether. After eventually finding help and rushing to the port, they made it just as the gates were closing.
Reflecting on this experience, a member of the family who is also a gratitude researcher noted that narrowly avoiding disaster changed their outlook for the rest of the trip: “For the rest of the trip, we were just grateful to be there. Missing a few ports? No big deal compared to missing the ship entirely.”
The researcher drew from scientific literature and personal experience to discuss how people can feel gratitude not only for positive events but also for negative outcomes that were avoided—what philosophers call “counterfactuals.” This type of thinking involves imagining alternative scenarios that could have happened but did not.
The article introduces three types of what are called “beneficial absences,” or things that did not happen but for which people can be grateful:
1. Avoided disasters (CBAD): By considering situations where things could have gone much worse but didn’t—such as accidents never experienced or illnesses that weren’t severe—people may feel more thankful.
2. Grace through restraint: Sometimes gratitude comes from recognizing when others refrain from criticism or discipline that might have been deserved.
3. Respecting autonomy: There are moments when withholding advice or help allows someone to make independent decisions; being aware of this can also inspire gratitude.
Research cited in the article suggests that reflecting on these beneficial absences increases feelings of thankfulness and distinguishes gratitude from other positive emotions.
To encourage greater awareness of these moments, readers are invited to consider questions such as: What could have gone wrong but didn’t? Who withheld judgment at a crucial time? Who respected your independence by holding back advice?
The researcher concludes: “In the end, gratitude isn’t just about what’s seen and said — it’s also about the criticisms swallowed, the advice people resisted giving, and the disasters we narrowly missed.”
