Gail Heyman, a developmental psychologist at the University of California, San Diego, has offered guidance on how to approach difficult conversations. Her work focuses on how people form beliefs, judge credibility, and understand honesty.
Heyman points out that a civil conversation does not mean remaining silent or suppressing disagreement. “We learn through disagreement,” she says. “We learn by being challenged.” She believes that real growth happens when people are open to hearing different perspectives, even if it feels uncomfortable.
She advises approaching disagreements with curiosity and listening closely. According to Heyman, showing genuine interest in another person’s perspective can encourage them to listen in return. “Curiosity helps us see the humanity in people who are different from us,” she says. “And in a world that feels divided, that’s something we all need more of.”
Heyman also suggests assuming good intentions rather than presuming ill will during conflicts. She explains: “If you come in assuming the other person is just trying to score points, you’ll respond in kind. But if you assume they’re acting in good faith — even if clumsily — you can respond differently, and the whole tone changes.”
Using humor or focusing on shared values can help defuse tension. Heyman shares her own experience discussing politics with her brother, noting: “These days we don’t talk much, but I still believe we care about many of the same things — like fairness, family and a better future — even if we disagree on how to get there.” Focusing on common goals may help reset difficult conversations.
She acknowledges that sometimes it is best to step back from an argument. “Not every disagreement is worth pursuing,” Heyman says. Ending a conversation respectfully can preserve relationships and keep future dialogue possible.
Heyman recommends choosing which issues are important enough to discuss and clarifying goals before raising sensitive topics. She encourages seeking advice from trusted individuals when preparing for high-stakes discussions.
For Heyman, civil conversations are not about winning arguments but about building stronger connections among people.
